- Don't purchase a new videogame between 1st -8th December
the week to make your voice heard, those titles you've been
eyeing up to play over the festive season, can wait just
one week (and purchased the following one). One week in
which to make a statement, a statement that you are sick
and tired of seeing our once burgeoning games industry disappear
down the toilet partly as a result of ridiculous and
unnecessary game prices, which put games beyond the reach
of the average household, save for a 'safe' purchase once
every couple of months.
give an festive example: Lowering the price of videogames
would put software within the price bracket relatives and
friends are normally prepared to spend on presents. Little
Timmy would get far more than his traditional two ludicrously
priced games this year. He'd get them from Uncles, Aunts
cousins and older brothers and sisters. Far more money being
generated for the gaming industry.
your voice heard: Don't buy a videogame between 1st - 8th
speak to the worlds most dedicated arcade game player: Andrew
scores dominated the scoreboards of arcade machines in every
town, city and country across the entire world throughout
the 1980's and UncleClive has been granted the exclusive
interview with the man who never stopped playing. "I
wish to put that period of my life behind me" Armstrong
told us speaking from his Cheshire home through his letterbox,
"now please go away or I'll call the police" he
Super Monkey Ball triggers spate of underground simian rolling
clubs across Britain.
Following a tip-off from an anonymous gamer, Uncle
Clive was directed to a disused warehouse where he was told
that secret Monkey Ball inspired 'tipping contests' were
being held. The footage I captured may shock some readers.
terrified proto-hominid screams in terror as the laughing
players set the board in motion...
desperately at the sides, the spheroid-encased pseudo-anthropoid
looks horrified as he is slowly tipped forwards.....
pathetic limp body of the non-apposable thumbed mammal slams
brutally against the sides of the perspex container with
an ear shattering crack.
we were discovered by the instigators, and were forced to
make our excuses and leave. The last thing we saw was the
weeping chimp being placed back into the ball.
Clive has made this video available to the authorities, but the
question begs...where did these otherwise law abiding gentleman
learn how to do these appauling acts of cruelty? Well
done Mr Sega, I hope you can live with yourself after this, you've
made a monkey out of animal rights.
spotted this letter in a national newspaper a couple of
weeks back, and I think it only highlights the lack of
balance you would get from having an additional 'Agony
Deidre, as much as I'm sure she can dish out sage advice,
can only do so from her limited female perspective. Here's
my suggestion to the young lady, had she written to me
You did what? Here we have a young man on the doorstep
of life, ready to go out into the world and sow his wild
oats with his teenage friends, and he gives it all up
for you? Undoubtedly he puts up with your demands to stay
in every night or your tantrums once you've got two bottle
of Bicardi Breezer inside you. No doubt you've gone absolutely
apeshit with him when he's spilt a few drops of red wine
on your IKEA cushion covers.
only escape from the drudgery of his domestic arrangement
with you is his Playstation, something he can call his
own, a place he can grab a few minutes of excitement once
in a while between the hours he spends loving his girlfriend.
is, until she comes along with her clumsy arms and scant
regard for other people's property and smashes his dreams
into small - out of warranty - plastic pieces. Lets imagine
for a second that was your Habitat dinner service set
or glass animal collection laying there broken and useless
on the living room floor.
Deidre says, you must learn from this relationship. You
need to learn to respect other people's stuff or they'll
curiosities No. 54 - The Nintendo Wavebird
is it with Nintendo and screen visibility?
they make the GameBoy Advance's screen unusable under
anything but optimum lighting conditions but they now
seem to be asking gamers to voluntarily
restrict their viewing potential (see photo left). Nothing
like giving your 36" Wega the appearance of a blurry
portable TV eh Nintendo?
can't honestly say that a lead between my controller and
the console has ever proved restrictive in my gaming pleasure.
In fact I'd go as far as saying that it's enhanced my
gaming hours by preventing obstacles (hoovering girlfriends,
stoned friends, packs of wild dogs ect) from wondering
in front of the screen during heavy bouts of life-wasting.
fact that it doesn't have a 'rumble' facility only adds
to my displeasure, as regular readers will know I've always
championed rumbling as a vital element of the console
experience, as it allows the game to reach beyond the
confines of the 2D screen and put tactile feedback into
the real world.
Nintendo monthly says of the Wavebird: "It uses
two AA batteries and life is estimated at around 100 hours,
although this may vary depending on the way you use it"
may vary depending on the way you use it? What does the
hell does that mean? Gamers will use it for playing videogames....
in what other ways CAN you use it?
players are as absent-minded as me they'll now have TWO
things to search for to enable them to play games... the
TV remote AND this new controller. No doubt Wavebirds
will turn up down the side of sofas, in kitchens or next
to toilets up and down the country.
Nintendo Wavebird publicty photo (from Official Nintendo
Monthly). Answering the prayers of telescopic-eyed gamers
the world over.
- Campaign for Cheaper Videogames
and more development studios are going under and the industry
as a whole continues to lose millions of pounds (and thousands
of jobs) every year as a result of gamers paying out for
fewer titles and having to be incredible picky and 'safe'
due to the high prices the industry continually perpetuates.
pressure group has been formed called 'FairPlay' which
believes that lowering game price of videogames into the
'impulse' purchase range will not only increase sales
across the board (and therefore pump more much need money
into the gaming industry) but will attract a new market
(those not normally prepared to pay up to £45 for
a videogame). Naysayers need only to look at the money
they've spent on their CD or DVD collection compared to
their videogame collection to understand the concept.
Despite the fact the campaigners wish to help the gaming
industry and gamers alike, the industry's reaction has
been despicable, using everything from legal threats to
blackmailing magazines who want to run stories on the
FairPlay is calling for a 'games boycott' for one week
in December (1st - 8th), encouraging gamers to purchase
before or after that week as a protest. At best videogames
will come down in price and the industry will start to
recover, at worst the campaign brings the questionable
pricing policy of the games industry out into the public
for debate. No bad thing either way.
more about the campaign HERE
mutilated child, yesterday
don't make a right 2
advert for Turok 2 seems to suggest that their flagship
title is so incredibly real you will suffer genuine injuries
as a result of playing it. Having tested it myself I will
say that it has at least the ability to scar players for
is a surprise is the lack of (arguably justified) tabloid
outrage at some of these press adverts. One Sunday newspaper
was even promoting the title using a 'page 3 stunna'
and images of children playing the game with the "What
a Fantastic game! - Jason, Wilkshire" captions
all present and correct.
THE LATEST ADVERT HERE
Money Making Idea of the Week Award
to 'Games Clearing House Inc' who suggest we should
sell videogames to our "Friends and Neighbours".
so the advert is 20 years old and the company went under,
but its principles live on in the form of the school yard
pirate. Who said the young aren't enterprising eh?
prize goes to Johnathan 'Fatality' Wendel, the World's
No.1 Videogame player, who will provide the winning e-bay
bidder with a personal visit and teach them the latest tricks,
techniques, and tips on the hottest new games: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1385608081
and autograph requests are acceptable."
don't make a right
new marketing boy seems to be trying to stir things
up a little, not only were they offering money to
the bereaved in exchange for advertising 'Shadowman2'
on their loved ones graves: (http://www.guardian.co.uk/Print)
but they are now (apparently) plugging Burnout 2 in
this months MCV using images of vehically-killed celebrities
including Princess Di, Ayrton Senna, Marc Bolan and
Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez. An advert taken out in the
same publication depicts a mutilated child, how very
last month saw Jason Read queuing up for 50 days outside
Electronics Boutique for his copy of Turok Evolution
sadly Jason went missing days into his record attempt
(perhaps he saw sense after playing the demo).
it seems Acclaim are offering anyone the princely sum
of £10,000 dollars if they legally name their
newborn child 'Turok' (http://www.turok.com/baby/)
Any potential parents out there thinking of cashing
in on this generous offer should remember that having
the 'Turok' name linked to their offspring will invariably
mean he/she will be poorley conceived, overly hyped
and will ultimately fail to live up to all expectations....
in 'predict-o-the-future' shocker
through the old Uncle Clive archives I found this remarkable
piece of Nintendo merchandise from the 1980's which
seems to predict Mario Sunshine's central concept by
over 10 years: VIEW
normally dismiss any notion of Nintendo giving us clues
regarding future games as pure coincidence were it not
for this image from a decades old Nintendo advert: VIEW
IT HERE Yes,
Luigi crying out "Mario, where are you...?"
a la Luigi's Mansion.
worry though folks, I'm sure Nintendo wouldn't go as far
as turning Link into a primitive cartoon character like
in 1990's CDi 'classic' The Legend of Zelda: Faces of
now that WOULD be ridiculous.
by Uncle Clive
been a relatively quiet month games-wise for the industry,
the calm before the inevitable Christmas storm, and
as publishers gear up to flood the shelves with hundred
of titles (in what the industry apparently refers to
as "the month of death"), titles simply won't
get purchased due to gamer's pockets only being finitely
deep, especially at the prices we are expected to pay
;-). Uncle Clive is predicting some high profile disasters.
When will the suits who prescribe to this 'all or nothing'
business strategy learn?
other news I received this e-mail from 'a concerned
Sir Uncle Clive,
Your "mathematical certainty" equation is incorrect
- the divisions should be multiplications. If your equation
was correct, and each of the four figures was an optimistic
1% (or 1/100) then the chance of a girl playing with
a communicator is 10000 = 1 million percent. Rather
than being "no chance whatsoever" this is a record-breakingly
high probability being 999900% higher than the previous
best ever recorded probability.
Thank you for your time.
consulting world's leading mathematicians, I confirmed
what this gentleman was suggesting was correct, so I
have adjusted my calculations accordingly. I apologise
for any inconvenience my error caused.
Until next time.
U. Clive, BHons, IPA
Sales and Marketing Director, Findus UK
plays much more like real basketball"
can't they advertise
systems like in this 1980 Mattel commerical anymore?
THE ADVERT HERE
Mr Chalmondley-Warner type comparing games side by side
for advertising purposes would certainly help gamers
decided which games/systems they should play.
look at Halo when compared to Goldeneye... it just feels
much more like you are killing real people".
TO MAIN SITE