"Funnier than the time the BBC Multimedia man demanded to know why we weren't reviewing his Noddy game" - Tony Mott
"Excuse me love, you seem to be confusing this with a kitchen sink "
Upon finding a 'special' video hidden in daddies top drawer, little Timmy found a way to combine his two favourite pass times.

Microsoft loves you
It starts with a hardware manufacturer launching a games console at a premium price, and during the launch frenzy early adopters and those with a bob or two spare purchase it. A few months pass and in an effort to secure a larger market share of its kit the manufacturer lowers the price, and accordingly a few more consoles find their way into the living room.

Unfortunately its rivals have also decreased hardware prices so no real advantage is to be had. Unit sales still haven't increased significantly for the manufacturer, so a few months later another price cut is on the cards, .. but here's the thing, the price cuts have started to come with such alarming regularity that those who are now tempted to purchase DON'T, they WAIT because they know that another reduction will undoubtedly be around the corner.... unit sales don't increase... manufacturer reduces prices further to try shift more units.... gamers wait.... etc. etc.

And so we end up in the extraordinary situation whereby Microsoft are going be packing free SEGA games into their X-Box package in a attempt to capture vital market share towards Christmas. Another price cut? Maybe, maybe not, should you wait and see?

Given the (perceived) lack of AAA titles coming for X-Box this Christmas, Microsoft have had to resort to price slashing to sell its console. They would do well to start marketing is it as a good quality, reasonably priced DVD player/MP3 jukebox, which also just happens to be able to play a growing range of decent quality games. And let's not forget about chipping the little baby and installing MAME.... being able to slump down in your favourite armchair and pick any arcade game from the past 20 years for a quick go should win over even the most hardened cynics. It's unfortunate (although not totally understandable) that Microsoft are blocking this obvious selling point. Still, it means that at this rate offers such as the spoof advert above don't seem so unlikely.

Be glad to be a gamer this Christmas.

If women wrote videogames:
No.83, Super Gossip Bitch World

Mainstream Gamer Apathy - Week 1
There are some games which are going to fire the imagination and those that are not, and whilst developers across the globe scratch their heads wondering why their quirky, inventive little titles are being outsold by the latest kill 'em ups, gamers are too busying causing civil unrest in the brilliant Vice City or having their heads messed with in the Resi-beater - 'Eternal Darkness' to care.
Bandai's 'Chibirobo'.....remember gamers, make sure his batteries remain charged!
Women, cars, guns. Mayhem.
Chibirobo sounds a lot like the responsibilities of owning a mobile phone, but mobile phones have advanced communication abilities and on 'online' options out of the box.

Gary Numan's 'Cars' playing whilst jumping over a building in a Porche? or a beepy interpretation of 'Charge of the Light Brigade' whilst sat on the bus? Hmmm.... decisions, decisions.

Childrens Hero Jailed for 3 months
Rags-to-riches Miner William Smith has been imprisoned for 3 months after a drunken attack on his wife, Maria.

Police were called to a disturbance at Willy Heights at around 3.00am on Sunday 4th October after a call from a concerned neighbour.

Mr. Richard Joyce, solicitor, who appeared for Mr Smith, told the court that his client had held a celebration party that evening and did have more drink than he normally would have had, and deeply regreted his behaviour.

"I simply wished to retire to my bed for the evening", Miner Willy told a silent court, "but Maria insisted that I clear up all the glasses around the mansion before I was allowed into the bedroom"

Prosecuting, David Watts told the court that Miner William had a history of drink related criminal behaviour and that a custodial sentence should be the only option in a case like this.

"I can bearly remember what happened... the last thing I recall was being unable to get past The Banyan Tree", pleaded Smith, "oh.. and I recall some problems in The Attic, but I have no recollection of beating Maria" he wept.

He pleaded guilty to actual bodily harm, using threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour, breach of the peace and with damaging the windscreen of a car belonging to a police officer.

Clive's observations No 344: The four kinds of gamers.
"A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people".- Peter McArthur.

A recent visit and subsequent prolonged stay at a friends gameshop allowed me to observe these most unusual of creatures, the modern gamer, at great length. I was originally going to write this piece in the style of a David Attenborough wildlife documentary, but it didn't really work without the voice.

Playstation Owner
Despite no longer being the new kids on the gaming block and entering their second generation, the average Playstation owner's tolerance of shite software still has the power to amaze. 7 years on and they still haven't cottoned on to the the fact they are buying the same Football game every 6 months with minor statistical information changes. They still stand at TV screens in Electronics Boutique open mouthed watching FMV and longing for the day when games go back to using the 'D' buttons for directional movement.

Most likely to say:
A copy of FIFA2002 and latest issue of FHM please Mr. Shopkeeper....

Least likely to say:
A copy of ICO and the latest issue of EDGE please Mr. Shopkeeper....
X-Box Owner
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find an X-Box user to show you how it's done. Shouting system specifications at every opportunity, this new breed of gamer wouldn't have dirtied their hands on a console had Microsoft not entered the fray muttering attractive words like "NVidia, 733hz, 64 MB DDR SDRAM", yet in their few short months as console gamers they are veritable experts in the medium, scoffing at the fools who are not clever enough to own the X-Box

Most likely to say:
"Have I shown you 'The Silent Cartographer' level in Halo?"

"Has anyone seen my Marilyn Manson CD?"

Least likely to say:
This controller was designed by a fucking idiot.

Nintendo Owner
Owners of the console from a company which has provided the gaming world with some of its finest moments, and don't they like everyone to know about it. Decent games do not exist on other platforms, and titles once labelled as 'utter shite' suddenly become 'brilliant!' upon appearance on the GameCube, a phenomenon knows as 'The Resident Evil effect'. Whether they are nervously playing Smash Brothers determined to try and find the fun in it or waiting patiently for AAA games to appear, the Nintendo owner's inability to criticise Nintendo is quite touching. Their ability to criticise anyone who criticises Nintendo however, is not.

Most likely to say:
"No, Nintendo are really looking after Europe this time around.... now, w
here can I buy a copy of 'Freeloader' so I can play imports?"

Least likely to say:
"You know, I can't be arsed to collecting all these trophies"
Dreamcast Owner
A strange bunch divided in two camps, those who supported the DC when it first came out, and those who are the vultures picking at the dead carcass of SEGA's hardware division, enjoying the spoils of war. The diehard players scream "where were you when SEGA needed you?" to which the newcomers respond "Does anywhere sell DC games cheaper than a fiver?".

These days they can be found wondering around Dixons looking confused, scratching their heads and wondering which of the remaining machines will be best supported by SEGA. Do not pity them, soon they will be one of the surrounding types.

Most likely to say:
"I was into PSO in the early days, before the idiots moved in"

Least likely to say:
"That was the worst ad campaign in the history of videogaming"

Ahhhhh, the English language, its many grammatical nuances amuse me.