Updated every 2 weeks*
"Uncle Clive - Famed Industry pundit" - Someone on a forum

Nintendo DS Announced
Lawks! Another piece of hardware - from Nintendo no less. The Nintendo DS - or 'Duel Screen' for acronym haters will be out before the end of the year. Full story HERE

Anyway, neverone to shy away from a knee jerk reaction, I hastily knocked together some hardware mock-ups of versions that might feasibly appear (not the models that will appear 10 months later with backlight, headphone sockets and ergonomic problems sorted out though).

Anyway, as countless folks on internet forums will have told you - we're are probably not getting the full picture and we'll find out more at the upcoming E3, but in the meantime....

Publisher Tips: Part 4
Never underestimate your customer's stupidity.

And so the Game of Year 'Prince of Persia: Sands of Time' languishes near the bottom of the charts, whilst 'Bollox: Rehash 2003' and its ilk rake in the limited money the gaming industry makes each year. Ubisoft's wonderous title, which pretty much leaves every game released in the past two years floundering in it's wake, barely charted this month despite ovewhelming critical acclaim, leaving only the harcore userbase to extol its virtues.

Here's a tip - play the market at it's own game. If you're going to get gamers to part with their hard-earned (in the unlikely event of a sequel) then make sure that you turn the main character into a Ninja for mass-market appeal. You clearly can't rely on the nostalgia of a few hundred ex-Amiga owners to sell a game, no matter how brilliant it is.

EDIT: 06/12/03 - Prince of Persia hits No.10 in all format charts. Word-of-mouth-tastic. Who said the hardcore didn't matter?*

*Actually, it might have been me.

'Reject Clive' Special.

"Don't cry son, perhaps it'll work if you plug the joypads in?"

Uncle Clive's Caption Competition 14 - We have a winner!

"So the left dial adjusts arms and the right one opens her mouth. Interesting....."
Neil Goodall

Dirty Intrawebfolk
You are a filthy lot (see stat-o-meter below) and should be ashamed of yourselves. It was close, but Neil Goodall impressed our panel of judges with his witty L33T captioning skillz (see picture, left) and wins a smashing Loadrage tee to boot.

Runners up (good, but no dice).

"Caw! Caw! My vulture-style has defeated you once more, puny pong player!"
Shane Collier

"Geoff, I think I've found your Rez Trance Pack"
Paul Dose

Neil and Leslie found their dry cleaning bills were significantly reduced after they bought the new Electronic Bukkake Simulator 2000.
Tim Latimer

Cut out and keep....

Smash TV - Uncle Clive on GamesCentral - 9th April
Uncle Clive could be seen on 'In the Middle' on Channel 4's 'GamesCentral' Teletext Page 175

Return of the Nintendo Marketing Monkeys

It may come as a surprise to industry watchers that Nintendo Europe have a marketing division, and not content with somehow managing to advertise a console who's AAA games weren't available to PAL gamers over the Christmas period with their 'rubbing salt in the wounds - The Legends are coming' campaign, they have decided to target the 'lifestyle' sector with Nintendo's new GBA SP.

Uncle Clive reader 'NepoleOn' observed this contradiction between the new adverts and the instruction manual. Clearly a case of the left arm not knowing what the right am is doing. Ironic really, given that videogamers themselves are usually fully aware of what their right arms are doing between gaming sessions.

"Do not be ashamed 'Q' readers, videogaming is now the recreation of choice for the fashion concious affluent male"

Gameboy SP lifestyle Advert: Put it in your back pocket, and be part of that elusive hip 20-something crowd.
"You pasty Western idiots with more money than sense. Heed our intructions."

Gameboy SP Instruction Manual:
DO NOT put it in your back pocket.

Uncle Clive's Games you can play with your girlfriend.

Zelda: Piss Taker
I was reading fan reviews the other day on Amazon.com for the unreleased 'Zelda: Wind Waker' (from HERE). Ninty fans are reviewing Zelda before they've even played it (5 stars of course). Here are some choice cuts from the various posted reviews:

"It starts out with Link sailing when a giant bird swoops down and picks up his sister. Since when did Link have a sister. I have played all the zelda games and Link never had asister. Did he? Well I really don't know what happens after that except for Link sets out to save his sister."

"this game will be awesome. and to all you who say link never had a sister... this is a different link. it is 100 yrs after ocarina of time. ocarina and majora happen first, then with a different guy, wind waker. So he can easily have a sister."

"The cell shading is cool because all the creatures are smooth. it also lets Link, the main character, look around the room."

"i watched videos of it and graphics look awesome. it is also good that we get a free zelda game. this game looks great for any true zelda games. you would be angry if you dont get it. "

"this is THE BEST nintendo game ever, i might so so with every miamoto game (Hes the Willy Wonka of game making) i play the demo at the mall all the time and i fell in love with the game. someone said he didnt like the grapics but i think its new and fresh and totaly disagry with this 'gamer' if you get this game you will love the ability to side on walls and take and take enemys weapons when you destroy them."

Uncle Clive's top 5 reasons for not updating. No: 132
1. Can't be arsed.
2. Metroid Prime
3. Trying to find old SNES in loft for poor Nintendo spoof
4. Someone once told me "If you havn't got anything nice to say, don't say anything"
5. Can't be arsed.

"I can do it Captain, it does have the power...."
"You'll be programming your VIC20 in minutes" this ageing starship captain tells us in THIS 1980's Vic20 advert, but I'll bet anyone purchasing a Vic20 would have had "LOAD: JellyMonsters" as their first programming effort.

Readers - confused
"Your site is now full of your old shit" I was reliably informed by a confused regular.

Don't be, I'm on a sabbatical and my recent mention in the beardstroker's monthly, 'Edge', prompted a 'best of' once I hit more than the usual 30 readers who normally tune in to join the party. If you want to know what other distractions are keeping me from my important work then no look no further than the mass of game boxes which are cluttering up my living room. Buses, threes, you get the idea.

"I'm about to show you something new for Intellivision which will revolutionise the way videogames are played and compared"
...claims our favourite Mattel spokesman. Amazing to think how the 'Intellivoice Module' has fundamentally changed the way we percieve videogaming. Where on earth would we be these days without one?

VIEW THE ADVERT HERE (Requires RealPlayer)

"Incremental speed on volleys increases excitement"
Who could fail to be impressed with this list of features in this 1970's newspaper ad for Atari's PONG, I mean, the screen actually becomes the playing field. Be careful though, the AC adaptor 'eliminates batteries'...