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"Funnier than the time the BBC Multimedia man demanded to know why we weren't reviewing his Noddy game" - Tony Mott

Scientists observed the 'Sony effect' in the most unlikely environments when a Playstation was introduced into a room...

The unstoppable Sony juggernaut
Worldwide sales of the Playstation2
(2001/2002): 18 million

Depressing sales figures (if your second name is Gates or Yamauchi). But the battle for the living room is far from over.

Actually, it is. The Playstation brand has won.... didn't you know?

If you have any other additional games console you either....

A: .....are a committed gamer who has a true appreciation and understanding of the artform called 'videogaming' and would rather challenge your mind and problem solving skills than sit slack-jawed in front of Coronation Street
....

B: ....have more money and time than sense and could really do with sorting some priorities out in your life. Come on now, videogames? They're soooooo 1996.

C: ....are a miserable goth who is quite happy to drink from the balls of Microsoft between poetry writing sessions, frantic masturbation and watching 'The Crow' for the hundredth time.



Modern Teenagers: Uncle Clive's 6 steps to being a cooler teenager.
"Hey....Teacher, Leave them kids alone", said a Judge in the recent 'St Menton's School' sex case. But leaving them alone is precisely what has created the rather unfortunate 'culturally confused' teenager, whom we see hanging around any place in the town which has a couple of steps or a handrail. Perhaps playing Tony Hawk's Skateboarding* has stopped kids from practising Skateboarding for real? the flipside of that argument is that the game itself has been responsible for the re-emergence of the sport as a pastime.

But anyway, I'm always happy to offer my services in a patronising manner, so here are my 6 Steps to being a cooler teenager.

*Only mentioned to keep this article 'relevant'

Some Teenagers, Yesterday

TEENAGERS - STOP WANKING AND READ THIS
We, as Westerners have a wonderful liberty - Choice. Use it. There are more possible hair colours than Red, Green and bleach blond.
Save your blushes, stop your futile attempts at 'ollieing' and actually practice skateboarding away from prying eyes. Falling off at virtually every attempt to manipulate a board makes you look plain silly.
Standing there holding a skateboard may help you fit in with your 'Gen-X' friends, but when we see you WALKING home clutching it, alarm bells go off.

Ok, so you failed to create a culture and identity of your own, instead you choose to draw upon the skatepunk/hiphop culture re-invention of the early 1990's. Fine, we enjoyed it, so there is no reason for you not to. But please understand, skating, punk or hip hop music was at the centre of this movement, and the fashion was just secondary to this. You however, seem to have got this concept completely the wrong way around. Your wanking tally may be impressive but your failure to understand 'rebellion' is not. Sort it.

Be original! Choose a different colour other than black for your 'Limp Bizkit' hooded top
Music. I fear for a generation who's only exposure to Hip Hop is the piss poor whining of your average 'nu-metal' band, and that 'pop with added guitar' you call punk is well past its sell-by date. No Martin, Grandmaster Flash was NOT a WWF Wresting star.

Uncle Clive's First Birthday Celebrations!
Has it really been 1 year? etc. etc. Yep, it's been 365 days since UncleClive first opened his doors to the public. Thanks for all your e-mails over the year and offers of cheap sex with your ladyfriends. I've haven't done anything to celebrate, as organising some form of celebratory piss up with you all would have resulted in me sat on my own in a pub crying into a pint of snakebite.

Videogame Facts from 'Monkey in a Bucket' 2
Arrghhh, my fucking bucket!!! Where have you put my fucking bucket you bastards?????

Where is it?, WHERE IS IT??????? I'm going to smash this fucking place up unless you give me my bucket back....

More green bucket originated, chimp written facts next week.


Sticky Balls - Free Game Download
You heard it here first (or maybe not) but John Pickford of Zed Two Limited has created an incredible little puzzler for all the bored PC gamers across the land. It's still in BETA stage, but it's running nicely.

A strange Bust-a-Move/Pool hybrid which is as compulsive as it is simple. Best thing you'll have played on a PC for months? Quite probably. I won't give anything else away, just try this captivating game for yourself.

       
click for enlarged shot
click for enlarged shot

Retro Arcade cabinet in pub locate-o-matrix update:
After reader Joe Whiteley's excellent suggestion that I start a national retro-arcade database (see page bottom regarding old arcade games) our in-tray soon filled up with sightings of these retro wonders, but our work is far from done:

"SRAMBLE: Hotel Alpenhof, Fam. Triendl, A-6580 St. Anton am Arlberg, Austria:
My mate has especially fond memories of the aforementioned machine and challet girls as late one night he received a hand job from one in the tv room and came all over it. I never played it after that." - Guy, Yorkshire

To view the current list and occasional amusing annecdote click HERE.

If you have the address of a pub which houses an old machine please share it with the world, send the pub name and address to us at retropubgames@uncleclive.co.uk.
Now remember, this is currently just a list, but I'm sure once a few more of you have uncovered some dusty gems I could provide a 'map' graphic with some clever JAVA stuff and even a 'search' bit, into which you typed your town/city. Perhaps.


FEATURED LINK OF THE WEEK: UKRESISTANCE
Back after a long absence, and when they aren't failing to keep hold of their domain name, are creating biting industry satire. More downward scrolling game-related shenanigans at: http://www.ukresistance.co.uk

Uncle Clive Interviews Nintendo's Miyamoto-San
Uncle Clive was fortunate enough to be allowed to speak to Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto after his E3 conference. Find out about his online plans, the 'Rare' situation and the mysterious 'Z' Trigger....

The interview is in audio format so a soundcard is required. To listen to the interview CLICK HERE


Hardware coincidences, week 12
What does Apple's G4 Cube and the Nintendo Gamecube have in common?

For a start both of them are owned by UncleClive (infact, this very site is lovingly crafted on Apple's cubular wonder), both of them use Risc Based PowerPC microprocessors as their CPU (a version of the Apple G3 CPU beats at the heart of the Gamecube), obviously both of them are cube-shaped, both seem to have a small band of devoted followers, and, judging by the shelves of my local PC World, both systems have fuck all games to play on them.


Videogame facts from 'Monkey in a bucket'
Hello to all my simian cousins, welcome to my newest column...

As videogaming approaches it's 100th year, I've decided compile a series of astonishing facts about our favourite hobby, all from the comfort of my green bucket!
For instance, did you know that.....

  • The word 'Videogaming' comes from the latin word 'Vidigamos' which literally means 'idle time'

  • If you took every game coder in Guilford and laid them end-to-end they would stretch to the moon and back two-and-a-half times.

  • The playtester practice of gluing a parsnip to the left foot during the final stages of development dates back to early Roman times when the chess piece makers of the day did it to protest at high vegetable prices imposed by Julius Caesar during the Olympic games.

More green bucket originated, chimp written facts next week.


Oldschool gaming devices they shouldn't have taken away from us, but they did, and along with those wind-up Evil Knievel toys, 'Battle of the Planets' and original 'foam shrimp' sweets, should be immediately brought back into our lives No.114: The cocktail cabinet pub arcade game.

Younger readers might not remember these machines which became standard in pubs across the country..... their loss. Here is a casualty of 70's gaming that I genuinely miss, the table you were drinking at doubled as an arcade game (usually Space Invaders or Missile Command) and at a 10p a throw you could piss it up and game it all night long.

Forget 'post-pub gaming', this was 'at-pub gaming', or 'pub/game hybridisation' or something.

This is what gaming is all about, week 1
Gaming seems to lack any sort of reasoned debate these days, but look at the quality of posting our American friends indulge in at this gaming forum. Such well considered responses and effective debating skills can be found at:

http://cgi.gamefaqs.com/boards/genmessage.asp?board=3429&topic=3189827

"Be there Friday at 5pm so I can beat your face in with an iron pipe wrapped in barbed wire, take a leak on what's left of you and then feed you to my dog."