Choose your Covernant - The Halo Election Special
Well, I guess someone had to. (UK readers need only apply).

 

 

 

Uncle Clive - 'The Summer Special' this way comes.....


Out of the mouths of Babes - Reader's Wives.
Your intentions to get your other half to indulge in your hobby will often yeild some interesting comments as she clumsily grips the controller and begrundenly attempts to "understand the attraction" of your geeky pastime.

email us the daftest game-related statement YOUR lady has spouted....

stuff@uncleclive.co.uk

Best ones get featured next update.


Super Mario Pac - Update
Homebrew game of the year has had an overhaul, perfection has been perfected with music, fullscreen mode and lots of big PC type compatability type words. Go grab a slice.

http://www.hermitgames.com/mariopac.html


Bloody Hell - Acclaim are at it again.

And by bringing this to your attention I'm only encouraging this kind of advertising further. Of course it'll do little to change the public's perception that videogames are a nasty, blood thirsty, shallow pastime. Mind you, increasingly they aren't far wrong. Pass me the Daily Mail etc. etc.

http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_842477.html

Why can't they advertise games as youthful, safe hobbies, like in this early 90's Megadrive commercial? (4.3 meg)


Call the police, there's a mad man around.

"Police have confirmed they are searching for the culprits - but are unable to shed any light on the meaning of "The Famicom"."

Can you help the police out with this pickle? http://www.thisisnorthscotland.co.uk/


Developer Tips: Part 3

Gaming should be quick and accessible, even in these bloated epic times, especially when it comes to arcade style twitch gaming. However, current menu systems leave a lot to be desired - actively hindering the player from getting on which the task at hand - playing the damn game.

By way of an example, office favorite 'Burnout 2' has been glued into the console for the past month and as glorious as this game is the menu system would have Jacob Nielsen turning in his grave.

Despite its arcade leanings Burnout 2 contains a baffling array of menu fail safes which take player round a merry dance should he dare to want to start his game again.

Here is the process for restarting should a player fail any championship race:

Press 'Start', "Are you sure you want to quit?", press 'continue', press 'continue', press 'continue', press 'continue', press 'continue', move 'down', select 'main menu', select 'start over', select 'start'.

And no, I kid you not. A obvious flaw that could have been avoided had Criterion merely added a 'quit to main menu' option. See? It's not that difficult.

Damn, I'll need restart. Yes I want to quit.
Yes, I do. I've already selected 'quit' from the drop down menu and pressed the 'yes' button.
YES! for Jehova's sake, I couldn't have selected 'quit' and pressed 'Yes' twice by accident. Please, I beg you, let me quit.
I am the angel of the lord, and I must do thy Lords bidding and rid the earth of all womenkind. Where are my guns?

The Internet Guide to console purchasing
Which one do I buy?

PS2?: http://ps2games.net/forums/1/posts/10621.html

X-Box?: http://www.gamers.com/userreview/1428860

Gamecube?: http://www.gamespot.com/gamecube/action

LOL!!! (etc. etc).


Jumpers for goal posts....
Nostalg-o-weep link this week goes to http://www.powerstrike.net/Tehkan/mamejump.html for creating a curious mix between 80's synth-rock and a 'name the retro game' trainspotting exercise. The final part where Mr Track 'n' Field leaps through 30+ retro arcade games is like a journey through my ageing brain.

Developer Tips: Part 2

We'll call him 'Geoff'. Geoff works at every development studio in the word. Geoff is a proud man. So proud in fact, that he makes his pre-rendered cutscenes unskippable so you have to watch them, over and over and over again.

Geoff's pride doesn't stop at cutscenes though, oh no, he's developed some exceptionally clever lighting techniques and by God he'll make sure you notice them. He'll do this by making the levels so unimaginably dark that the lighting code which he'll fix to the torch you're carrying will become that much more apparent. Unfortunately, so removed from the normal environments that videogamers experience games in, Geoff has failed to notice that his 'clever' code had rendered the game virtually unplayable. Not that this bothers him, outside of the occasional 'after-office hours' LAN frag-fest on an ageing FPS, Geoff - like most developers - doesn't actually play videogames.

Luckily for Geoff there are people who do, and are more than happy to pass on some useful advice...

What developer Geoff sees on the computer monitor from the comfort of his coding booth in optimum lighting.
What 99% of videogamers see when they are sat in front of their TV's trying to navigate yet another impossibly dark dungeon.

Website of the Month - The Adam and Joe Poo pages
'Adam and Joe' are one of the few things in life which make my crinkled mouth invert into a smile, so fans of the magical parsnip-headed pop-culture commentators could do worse than point their browsers at David Buxton's 'Poo pages' http://www.poopages.btinternet.co.uk/ and view the plethora of A&J related nonsense on offer. This is what you should do when you wake up in the morning.

Barbie knew her relationship with Ken had long since broken down.
Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse hides round the corner, laughing maniacally at his own despicable revenge.

Revenge of the Amazon Playstation fans.
Thought I'd take a break this ish from highlighting Amazon Nintendo reviews and look at frenzied PS2 worshippers take on their system's top titles. This month, Rockstar's GTA: Vice City.

PS2 Amazon customer reviews:

"I'm only 11 but this game is awesome..graphics are great,cars are great,guns and other weapons..great!Everything is da best ever!Since gta:2 GTA 3 and vice city has made the top lists..well for me:DI reccomend everyone to get this game..even people 10 and above as long as parents check it before they play like my daddy did:) "

"Well you guys this game is something else when i first played it i was like cool!! I even bought my Playstation2 because of this game>! It's a City,You are Tommy Verrcetti,in a mess,in a city full of bribary and corruption(That's what you are!!)"

"Best game ever made. You like driving fast, killing and stealing this is the game for you."

"Tommy Vercette back again,he is wanted around his parts so hes on the run. Hes doing erons for people and doing what ever he can. To takeover, Vice city."

"This game done gave my son nightmares about killin things. I bought it for him just Thursday and every night so far he comes into my room cryin about him shootin civilians in his dreams and this boy is 14. If I was you don't go wastin your money on this here nightmare makin game unless you won't you or your relative go around cryin all the night long. So don't waste your money."


Games whose sequels really should have been a lot better than the original by now. No. 1774: Atari's Gauntlet


Developer Tips: Part 1

Revenge of the Amazon Nintendo fans.
Browsing through the Amazon customer reviews is another way gamers can seek purchase justification, if you have any nagging doubts about a game you're playing that you aren't enjoying then simply point your browser away from 'www.japschoolgirls-and-robots.com' and towards the Amazon review section, and feel the sting of another wasted £40 being gently soothed. This week gamers extol the virtues of Mario Sunshine...


Sunshine reviews from Amazon
"I plan on buying this game because it is so fun. People who dont like this game are crazy. Theres nothing wrong with it. I am a huge nintendo fan who likes mario and mario games. This is probably the best mario adventure ever. Gamecube is the best. Why cant xbox have cool games like this. That goes to show how much xbox sucks. Well buy this game its a must own."

"Well, this game is the best Mario's game ever in the Market, and of course, I dont have what to say plus than is the best , it have the best graphics!!!! (WOW!) a little complicated in the using of FLUDD, but this game is really fun. OH, the game is good, everything is good but.........OK! you will have the "120" shines but...........How many times did you will play it the whole game?????? You will get them and you will put it in your basement for all of your life??? This game surely rox for the first time but getting played for a second ......mmmmm..... NO! Resuming¨.: good, BEST, EVERYTHING!! but it have a bad Value. I hope this was HEEEELPPPFUL for you!"

Having said that...
"i wish it could be more like the other game, like mario 66 or somethin. i am not UPSSESSED with gamebox or x cube like all of u are. DONT GET THIS GAME> IT IS THE WORST EVER"

"I HaTe!!! the fact that you have 2 switch the nozzles around on the talking, squirty, thingy. 'N I think you should get the nozzle, and keep it, having all 4 nozzles at the same time; blah blah blah."


SkoolDaze 2000 - Remakes for a new generation?
Last weeks controversial cartoon moved off the front page for memory purposes. CLICK HERE or on the picture for the cautionary tale of Specs, Thugs, and stroppy hoes.....
Spectrum Joy Pad?
In case you missed it last week. CLICK HERE to see the greatest invention that never was......

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